Captain as Flight Attendant--not pretty!

September 17, 2007 1 Comments A+ a-

I just received this e-mail from one of my Captains--who is a large man. This happened yesterday--it's funny!

"And if you need me to cover any trips for you while you're gone let me know. I got to play flight attendant yesterday while non-revving from BOS-RDU.

Mid-flight, while in a deep, drool-producing fantasy sleep, I was rudely awakened by another passenger telling me that our flight attendant was trapped in the lavatory. I'm like huh, who, where? Remember, just minutes ago I was dreaming of cashing in the winning Powerball lottery ticket with a bevy of scantily clad pilot groupies on each arm. Now I'm being asked to instantly become fully awake and remedy this impending calamity.

Try as I might, in concert with the flying Captain's refusal to trust me with the crash axe to pry the door open, this door is stuck like I've never seen one stuck before. So after unsuccessfully trying to use the only other tool available, a seat belt extender, I told the flight attendant to relax, drop the lid and enjoy some down to speak.

I then made an announcement informing the passengers that I was their new "Super Stew"... and that their total cooperation was required if we had any hope of this not becoming something Steven Spielberg would call "Airport '07."

Finding a plastic bag I sashayed my fat ass down the aisle collecting trash. Some woman tried to give me a used diaper. "Lady... I said trash, not toxic waste!" I then did the compliance check on the way back up the aisle, "Listen Mister, put that seat belt on or I'll put it on for you and you'll have a whole new definition of what 'low and tight across the hips' means!"

Now up to the galley to stow everything that is out... hmmmmmm. This is like being at someone's home and emptying their dishwasher. I don't know where any of this crap goes, but I'm putting it somewhere!Let's see... ah yes.... electronic devices announcement since the Blue Light is on. "Turn it off and tuck it away or we all die! .... and trust me, as we're standing at the Pearly Gates the rest of us will figure out which one of you decided to check your email one last time!!!!"

Now into the jumpseat.... no...can't sit that way unless I move the bulkhead so I can bend my knees... on the other hand since I've got about as much chance of getting the jumpseat seatbelt on as a geeky high school Audio/Video kid does of getting into the prom queen's panties. Maybe wedging myself into the space between the jumpseat seat back and the bulkhead will restrain me from falling out of the jumpseat in the advent of a high G landing event.

Whaddya know we've landed... first time in probably 10,000 landings I've done one reverse cowboy. Wow, you're right... it does feel different!!!

Now we're taxiing to the gate... I tell them to stay seated while the Captain taxies what's left of the aircraft to the gate and that if they dropped their bags at the aircraft door that sometime before their next birthday the can pick them up again at the aircraft door. For those that checked their bags at the counter, hmmmmmmm, not sure where to find your bags since I'm not stupid enough to ever check my bags. I work for this here airline, ya know.

Cool... First Officer Sparky comes on the PA and tells the passengers to stay seated until Captain "Hesitant-to-part-with-his-crash-axe" turns off the seatbelt sign. I the meantime I'm having a panic attack since I I wish I had paid closer attention to how to open the cabin door during recurrent. Big red lever - check. Hmmm... "Lefty Loosie" does not apply here - check, oh that's right, aircraft built south of the border so it's all friggin' backwards.Voila'... door opens, passengers flee in panic.

Maintenance comes on and frees damsel in distress. I, meanwhile, slip away to start my weekend."